when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
