please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Pants are for mortals
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