It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
