i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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