can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
