I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
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