I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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