then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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