i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
