I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
