He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
