I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
