He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
