That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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