Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
