my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
