Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
