Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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