im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
