i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Holy sore nipples Batman
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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