I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
