Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
