If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
