and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Houston, we have a squirter
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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