So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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