I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
