wat bout pragnant strippers??
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
tell me about the eggs
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
