Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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