yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
