i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
