I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
