It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
