i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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