I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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