I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
