i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Randomize
