im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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