I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i drank out of a bidet.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just had sex on a roof
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
