8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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