I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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