Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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