She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
