My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
At least life still wants to fuck me.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
