Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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