Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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