Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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