So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
