guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
