this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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