I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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