i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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