We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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