my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
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