I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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