I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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