I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
