she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
