I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
They are going to name an STD after you.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
