i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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