Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
